Mortality

I don't know what to say sometimes. I'm in the doctor's office and they ask if I've been having any "symptoms" - shortness of breath, chest pains, etc. I don't know that I ever have, but that answer seems to perplex them...all of them. I don't know why.

The problem is is that I've got idiopathic dilated cardiomyopathy. In short, it is heart failure - heart failure that the doctors can't seem to figure out the cause. One doctor told me that it's idiopathic because sometimes doctors are idiots when they can't figure out why. Nice way of explaining it to me, but still just as difficult to take. Trust me, it's not easy to hear that you've got a "condition" that you didn't know you have; a condition that may get better, may stay the same, and may get worse - and having about a 1/3 chance for any of them. On the bright side, I have a 66% chance of staying the way it is or getting better - those odds are sounding better and better every day.

Just a little background - I woke up about 2AM in early November with a pain under my armpit and my heart was racing. I had no idea what was going on, but I did remember that I was carrying a box full of heavy books (read: law school books) and it slipped but I caught it. Was the pain I was feeling just a pulled muscle or a problem with my heart? My father has had a heart attack, and I wasn't sure if this was the wonderful world of genetics getting the better of me. Sylwia took me to the ER to get me checked out. Before we even got to the hospital, I was feeling better, and it was feeling more and more like a pulled muscle.

As it turns out, it's good that I went ahead and went to the hospital. They took an EKG and noticed that my heart wasn't beating in the proper sinus rhythm. I have a left bundle branch block - that is, the main wiring to the heart splits in half with one half carrying the electrical signals for one half the heart to tell that side to beat and the other half carrying the electrical signals for the other half of the heart to tell that side to beat. Unfortunately, the wiring controlling the left side of my heart is a bit slow in conducting the signal, so my left side is beating a bit behind, or a bit too slow. (note: this is just my understanding that I've gathered from the various doctors; if this isn't what these things mean, keep in mind that I'm a lawyer, not a medical doctor!) Again, they don't know what's causing this in me - it could be any number of things, including genetics or a congenital defect (from birth). The ER told me to follow up with a cardiologist to get this problem checked out.

Well, being a bit scared to go and hear bad news with only a couple weeks before my wife and I were going on a cruise to get re-married, I put off the follow-up until the end of December. I found a cardiologist on my insurance website - bad choice - and scheduled an appointment. At the appointment, he scheduled me for an echocardiogram (like an ultrasound of the heart) and the treadmill/stress test. I went in on January 7 for the echo and everything has been different ever since.

Before I even got back to my office from getting the echo done, I had a voicemail from the doctor's office telling me that they want me to come in first thing the next morning - and that they cancelled the stress test. Upon hearing that, my stomach sank. I knew there was no way they would call that fast and cancel other tests if it was good news...and the urgency in their voicemail was very disturbing. I tried to call and ask what was going on, but all they said was that they would tell me what was going on the next morning. Alot of good that did...by the time I got home, I had another voicemail indicating that I was scheduled for a procedure at the nearest hospital on Monday morning (this was Thursday afternoon). So, not only will they not tell me what's going on, but I've also got surgery scheduled for something that I don't even know why.

As it turns out, I have an ejection fraction of 30%. The ejection fraction is the percent of the blood within the ventricle that is pumped out during each heart beat. Of course, your heart doesn't completely compress, so 100% is probably not attainable, but a normal person my age has an ejection fraction between 60-70% - so my heart is only pumping at about 50% efficiency related to what it should. That's NOT GOOD. I also have an enlarged heart - the heart muscle is much bigger than it should be - likely due to the fact that it has to work harder to get enough blood to my body. They put me on medications that are supposed to help lower my blood pressure and help my heart try to contract better. The "good news" (if there is such a thing) in all of this is that I don't have any blocked arteries in my heart. Other than that, my heart is failing.

That all happened within about a week - finding out that I have a problem and then going into surgery and getting the full extent of the problem. It's pretty tough for me to wrap my head around the whole problem and all the ramifications that go along with it. My wife has been a rock, going to all my appointments and just being a trooper and not letting it show if it's affecting her. It would be so hard to go through this whole thing alone, and I realize how totally blessed I am to have her here with me.

It's also tough dealing with mortality. I know that it can happen at any time, any place, any age, and no warning. I'm fine with that, but I don't think I'm a big fan of knowing one thing that can actually kill me at any time...not so much fun. I've had a bit of time to think about things, but I'm still trying to come to grips with it.

In all truthfulness, I don't feel any different than I did 1 year ago...even 5 years ago. One of the cardiologists thinks that I've had this condition for awhile and that it's not just a sudden onset. Either way, now it's time to live with it. Thinking about death is not an enjoyable process, but one that I've been faced with rather quickly - at a time that I never would've thought I'd have to think about it. What does one do when one finds out they have a condition that is potentially life-threatening...immediately?

Right now, I'm going to fight it by doing what I've always done - just carry on. I don't ever want to let it get the better of me. I want to go out my own way. I recently read Lance Armstrong's book, and it's given me alot of inspiration. Here is a man who had a foreign "being" or "life" inside him that was trying to take his away - and he fought through it. I want to do the same thing. I'm starting to make goals - goals that I don't care whether they are practical or reasonable. Maybe it's so that I can keep up hope that I can/will get better (whatever "better" may mean).

Goal #1 - play soccer. I have grown completely fond of the sport...the most popular sport in the world. I played a couple summers in a co-ed league in Chicago and had fun. I'm in a bit worse shape, and had I not known about my condition, I would've still tried to get in better shape so I could take the pitch again. That's exactly what I want to do - I want to work myself into better shape (and hope my heart complies) so that I can play soccer again. When I watch matches live or on TV, I see the pure excitement when a player scores a goal - as if it's some out-of-body experience of sheer madness. I've felt that before...sure, it was in a beginner's co-ed league with no goalies (but very small goals), but the feeling of putting the ball in the back of the net is so exciting. I want to feel that again. I'm sure there are other accomplishments that could give me the same rush, but this is one that I want to hold on to; it's one that going to probably give me the toughest fight. It will make that next goal feel that much sweeter!

Goal #2 - live a "normal" life. I want to just live, do the day-to-day things. This is the one that I'm most worried about. The cardiologist that I talked to a couple weeks ago said that he has patients with a 30% ejection fraction that are out playing golf every day, and he also has patients with a 30% ejection fraction that are upstairs in a hospital bed and can't function and waiting on a heart transplant. I want to be able to continue to live my life. I don't know if this is a condition that can be "beaten," but I'm going to definitely give it a run for its money. If this is what's going to be the end of me, it's going to be a knock-em-out, drag-em-out fight. If it's going to be a fight to the death, then that's how it's gonna be. I don't plan on giving up until I can accomplish goal #1.

It's a short list, but I can't really think of anything else beyond that. I just wanna be able to keep going. My biggest fear is losing the one person that means the most to me - my wife. She doesn't deserve this. She is the one that I feel the worst for - she agreed to this without knowing what she signed up for, and I don't think it's fair to her. Like I said before, she has been a trooper though. She makes all the doctor's appointments and hearing the results look easy. I don't know how she does it. If you keep anyone in your thoughts, please, let it be her - she is the one that keeps me afloat.

I'm not afraid of dying - I know that's how it's going to end anyway. Well, time for me to go and kick some ass in Round 1.

It's late, which makes me think too much...

It's been awhile, and I've been meaning to write something, just wasn't sure where to start until now. I have learnt many lessons through personal experience. It seems as if there's always someone there telling me to do-this or don't-do-that because of such-and-such. However, what fun is it if I have to just take everyone's word for things. That being said, the most important thing that I have learned is that you have to live life on purpose. If you're going to make a decision, make it for the right reasons and don't back down. Take chances. If you choose to do something, don't whitewash the reason. Regardless of whether your action are good, bad, or indifferent, life is most fulfilling when you do it on purpose. If you give money to a charity, do it because they support what you believe in. If you choose to smoke do so because it tastes good, gives you a boost, or just because you like to...but do it on purpose. Don't make excuses.

I've dyed my hair several times. I did so because I wanted to. I was trying to make a point to myself and others that life isn't just about the straight and narrow. People with dyed hair are not bad people, they're just people. I'm 30 years old, and I decided to travel to go to the World Cup in Germany with a mohawk! I was flying business class, and when I walked into the private lounge for business class travellers, all these business people looked at me like I didn't belong...but what they didn't realize is that I am the person they come to for legal advice! I'm still a person, but I don't feel as if I always have to give in to society's concept of what is allowable and not allowable. I wanted to be able to show my kids the pictures, I'm not ashamed because I made a conscious decision and did it on purpose.

Be a humanitarian, be an activist, be a slob, be angry, be funny, be smart, be athletic, be boring, but whatever you choose to do, do it on purpose. And do it for yourself, because in the end, you are who matters.

Certainty

In life, there is one certainty: you only live once. That's what makes it so fun!

Check it, Check it...

World Cup fever has hit the Luciano house! Link to it in the side bar. Enjoy!

Seven Day Run

I don't know what it means, I haven't asked. I'm sure it's similar to Three Doors Down. To me, it doesn't matter what it means, it's not about the title, it's about the music. Seven Day Run is a local Chicago band that I think has alot of promise and an awesome sound. I have spoken to the guys in the band, and they are all down to earth and seem like the guys next door, but when they get onstage it's amazing. If you're ever in the Chicago area (or live here), I'd highly recommend catching one of their shows. They will be showcased at Uncommon Ground for 5 weeks this summer in which they will play a show each week, and the shows will be recorded and released on a subsequent album.

I have heard both the "full band" and "accoustic" versions of their shows, and I have to admit that I like the accoustic shows the best. They are typically in smaller, more intimate venues...and it's really nice being up-close with the band. It almost feels like they are playing just for me.

Kevin, the lead singer, has a great voice and has alot of energy when he's performing. He's also completely hilarious in between songs, and very complimentary to the venue as well as any other acts playing that night. The lyrics to the songs are thoughtful and deep as well as funny at times.

I can't fully describe how much fun it is to watch Seven Day Run perform live, but I hope that if you ever have the opportunity to catch one of their shows, I'd recommend it because I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Their next show is tomorrow, March 25th.

Cheers,
Rocco

Good ol' Boys

...never meanin' no harm...beats all ya' never saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born...

Saw this as I was driving down the highway the other day:



Lemme tell ya, it's tough to talk on the phone to my brother to tell him that I'm passing the General Lee (making him think that someone is actually driving it as well), take a photo, and drive on the highway at the same time...but as you can see, I was successful.

Now, if only I had one of those bow-and-arrows where the arrows blow up upon impact, I'd be set for Chicago driving! Nobody'd get in my way then.

Cheers,
Rocco

Update

Yeah, the elevator has finally left the 32nd floor! It's been a wild and crazy new year already. Sometimes I just want to sit down and take a breather, but it never seems to happen.

Lets see, where to start...well, Valentine's Day was AWESOME! Here's the spread we made:

I think she liked it (she LOVES seafood), and I think it surprised her...that I cooked, that is!

After many years, I finally decided to get a new bed too. Now, the top of the bed is above my waist, and me and my short legs are going to need a step ladder or a trampouline just to get into bed...it's like an adventure every night.

The best news is that I scored tickets to the opening match of the World Cup this summer! I'm soooo stoked about it. My brother and I are going to be spending over a month in Germany watching soccer, travelling, sightseeing, relaxing, and enjoying the festive atmosphere that will surely accompany the greatest sporting event in the world.

On the down side, I think that "Love Monkey" starring Tom Cavanagh (formerly of my all-time favorite show: ED) is on the outs with the network...they call it a "hiatus"...but there are no plans to shoot any future episodes, so it looks like that's then end. Of course, Josh Randall (also formerly of "ED") is on the new show "Courting Alex" with Jenna Elfman (formerly of Dharma and Greg).

I guess back to the good news: I just ordered Setanta Sports channel on my satellite, bringing the number of soccer dedicated or related channels on my satellite to 3! I think I have nearly all possible soccer viewing opportunities in the US at this point. If there's a game being shown anywhere in the US, it will be on my TV...oh, I can't wait until this summer!

I'm all out of updates. I've got some thoughts bouncing around in my head that I'll try and put down shortly, but that's all for right now.

Cheers,
Rocco

Elevators...are they that difficult?

I have always thought that elevators were pretty easy to operate, but going up and down in the elevator in the building this morning I realized that it wasn't all that easy to everyone. I'm on the 32nd floor of a 36-floor building. Except for my office (which has floors 32-36), every floor is a separate buisiness. Thus, if you're on a lower floor and somone is in the elevator going down, they are likely headed to the first floor...which means that the "1" button is already pushed. Inevetably though, every single subsequent person that gets in the elevator insists on pushing the "1" button. WHY? If it's already lit up, you know that's where it is headed and it doesn't need your approval. Simple concept: if the floor you are going to is already lit up in the bank of buttons that correspond to floors of the building, then you don't have to re-press the button. Pushing the button after it's already been depressed does not make the elevator go any faster, and it's not like the elevator forgot that someone wanted to go to that floor already.

So, for the sake of my sanity, if you ever get in an elevator with me and you're going to a floor whose button has already been pushed, PLEASE AVOID PUSHING THE BUTTON AGAIN. Simple to me, sure...but sometimes it seems like I'm taking the "slow elevator."

Lists, lists, lists

This will be a list that will continuously be updated...

List of things I want to do before I die:
1. Visit all 7 continents.
2. Skydive.
3. See my (future, if any) kids graduate from college.
4. Become an engineer again.
5. Live someplace warm (like southern Cali) for more than a year.
6. Visit all 50 states (and a visit requires at least 24 consecutive hours).
7. Learn to play "Fur Elise" on the piano.

Trying to impress...

Alright, I just realized that Valentine's Day is coming up quickly (for those that may have also forgot). This is the first time in quite a long time that I've ever had a second thought about V-day because now I have a wonderful girlfriend. I've been racking my brain trying to think of something nice, but not too valentine-y because I like to keep things simple. I know it's the time for roses, but I think that's a bit too cliche or overused, so I stumbled on an even better idea (to me)! Keeping with the theme of red, I have decided to do this: Maine Lobster and Clambakes...that's right, I'm going to try and cook her a wonderful seafood dinner. I know she loves seafood, and instead of going to some fancy seafood restaurant, I figured I'd (attempt) to show her my skills in the kitchen. The rub is that I've never made lobster, or any seafood for that matter...but I took a look at this website and it set out pretty simple instructions. I'm hoping that this will not be too cliche or over the top. Anyway, this is my one great idea for the week, so I wanted to pass it along in case anyone else is searching for an idea.

Cheers,
Rocco

Something wicked this way comes...

and it's not ME!

Actually, I went and saw the great musical WICKED last night. It was fun and entertaining. Good laughs and the occasional bad joke/reference to the movie. The only thing that disappointed me was that I think that Elphaba probably had a great voice, but the key in which the songs she sang were too low to the point that it seemed she was half-talking/half-singing. They had to mike her up because (in my opinion) she couldn't get enough force behind the singing to carry to the top. At one point, she was singing a duet with Fiyero where I think her part was actually lower than his...

Other than that, it was a great musical, great costumes, and lots of fun! I'd highly recommend it, and even for the kids out there it should be fun.

Cheers,
Rocco (the "Entertainment Consultant")

Milestone reached

So the big day for the big 3-0 came and went without a hitch or a worry. I had a most awesome day, thanks in particular to my wonderful girlfriend who made the day complete. But other than a number, what is the particular importance of decade birthdays? Why do they seem more important than any other birthday, or even just a regular day for that matter?

I didn't freak out, or run out and buy a red convertible...it was just another day for me. I took the day off because I could, and just sat at home and relaxed ALL DAY until it was time to pick my girlfriend up and go to dinner. We went to Topolobampo in downtown Chicago. If you've never been there, I'd highly recommend this restaurant (more than the sister/adjoining restaurant, Frontera Grill). Topolo is upscale Mexican cuisine, and I can begin to describe how wonderful the food is. It is a bit on the pricey side, but well worth the extra for a nice dining experience.

Anyway, events aside, who set 30, 40, 50 year birthdays as "milestones" anyway? What's the significance? If you're celebrating every decade, why not ever 5 years as well as being a big milestone? I know, stupid thought, but after the big deal everyone around me threw about being 30, I was just wondering...

Cheers,
Rocco

Vanity

At what point in our lives do we start to care what others think? I mean, isn't it enough that our parents (usually) love us for who we are? Why the need to try and impress those around us?

I have wondered about this for quite some time, because I personally don't really care what others thing. Once someone has made up their mind about you, there usually isn't much in the way of changing that perception. And I honestly don't care what strangers think about me because they don't know anything about me.

For example, I LOVE TOY STORES! There are so many things in there to play with. In truth, I am just a big kid...I'll admit it. The more toys, the more fun. The one thing I enjoy is going to a toy store and playing with everything...making the light sabers extend and make noises; pushing the toys that have the popcorn popper stuff in them; shooting the nerf guns; playing with the remote-control cars. However, when I do, I look around and see other "adults" giving me a weird look or looking down their nose at me. Which got me to wondering: are they ashamed that they want to do the same thing but will get the same looks I'm getting, are they jealous because I can find fun in a simple way, or do they really think poorly of me because I don't "act my age?" Is there an age that having fun in public is unacceptable? If so, I didn't get the memo.

The other thing I really enjoy is going to Galyan's (a.k.a. Dick's Sporting Goods) or other sporting goods stores just to try things out. My most enjoyable "shopping" experience was a couple of years ago I went with my cousin, Little E. We (mostly me though) played with EVERY SINGLE thing I could pick up, and he joined in. I played the foosball table, grabbed a lacrosse stick and ball and pegged E with it and told him to defend himself...which he did, but my throw was horribly off the mark to the point we had to move quickly to the other side of the store. I kicked soccer balls around with little kids (because I didn't figure the parents would do such a thing...because they're "adults"). I even helped some kid out who was looking for a skateboard helmet...and I've never skateboarded (of course, when he was asking questions, I had all the gear on from helmet to all pads, and such). The one thing that I was shot down on was trying to "ride the rapids!" In case your Galyan's is different than mine, the one that I go to has an escalator...and kayaks. We'll just leave it with...I was struggling trying to lift the huge kayak myself, and my cousin thought I might crash at the bottom.

This is how I have the most fun. When I'm there, it's just me in the store. I don't care who is around...I don't care who is looking...I don't care what faces they are giving me...I don't care what they are saying about me. I JUST DON'T CARE. They may think I'm not "acting my age", but at what point in your life do you forget to have fun? Is it the same time that you think that it is important to impress people with how you act, what you look like, how much money you make, how much your clothes cost, what kind of car you drive. I can probably guarantee you that the people who were giving me "the looks" probably had absolutly no idea what I do for a living...but see me having fun, dressed the way I do, and likely think that I should probably get a "real" job because maybe that will mature me. Maybe it's just that I'm not mature. Maybe it's just that I know how to have fun. I don't know where our paths in life have split, but I don't look at people like that, but I can see why people do.

I was driving downtown here in Chicago one day and saw a guy wearing a black leather jacket with silver studs, huge wallet with a chain, visible tattoos, mohawk haircut...you get the picture. My very first reaction was ALMOST "why don't you get a jo"...wait...I yelled out the window "be different, it's alright, don't give in" and meant it. It was refreshing to see someone else be different, even if it's just being different for being different's sake.

In the end, I'm going to do what I find fun, and when I do, I imagine that no one else is around...I have the whole place to myself to do and act how I want. I'll leave you with this: the next time you see someone acting silly/stupid/goofy/childish and just plain having fun, please note your reaction and I'd love to hear back from you as to what your reaction is and what made you have that reaction.

Cheers,
Rocco

Loss for words

I have been at a loss for words lately. I haven't been contemplating the intricacies of life, but have been totally engrossed in a wonderful relationship! She makes me forget everything around me and it's great. I forget to worry what work I'm going to have to take home and do there, I don't get mad as easily when I'm around her, and I smile WAY TOO MUCH...but these aren't complaints. For nearly 30 years, I've been pretty focused on my job and career, so this is a weird (but nice) change.

Well, enough rambling for me today. I'm going to think of something good to expound on for tomorrow. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the ride!

Cheers,
Rocco

Disturbing

Alright, I think I have just seen one of the most disturbing things...check it: horizontal corduroy. What will they think of next?

Enjoy,
Rocco